So when commercials come on, I experience what can only be compared with road rage (or indigestion). My heart pumps, my eyes narrow to slits, and before long I'm throwing a tantrum that would make a 3 year old stand and applaud. And then mess themselves. "HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY GOLDEN GIRLS MARATHON?!??? I'M GOING TO GO TO WAL-MART RIGHT NOW TO DESTROY EVERY BOTTLE OF FEBREEZE I CAN GET MY HANDS ON!!" Luckily, once they're over I rarely remember anything at all, and always seem to end up with extra air freshener the next time I shop.
I think most of what bothers me with said commercials are the fact that they're 90% lies, exaggerations, and emotional manipulations. I'm told the only way to get attractive girls to make google (©) eyes at me is to drink cheap beer, and that every white guy in any office setting is invariably the office dunce: always selecting the expensive service, or doing things the hard or clumsy way. I'd call racism/sexism on it if it weren't true. Then there's the classic cool vs. uncool message in advertising. If you use our products then you're in, but if you don't then you'll be bullied by the cool jocks. Nothing illustrates this concept of advertising lately better than the Mac vs. PC ads. An actor that Apple thought was hip looking squares off against Mr. Nerd. They have a short and very productive discussion on the topic of deep operating system mechanics, and come to the realization that Mac is the way to go, unless you're still living with your parents. Also, I think there was a bit of an off-screen romance developing, did anyone else pick up on that vibe?
Pictured: The original PC guy. They had to replace him when he asked for more burritos in his contract.
Since most of these commercials are so distorted or just downright bewildering, it would seem that an O'Reilly type is needed, to cut through the BS and create a No-Spin zone.
Today, you get the lovely service of my advertisement interpretation, free of charge. (also free of any educational or entertainment value for a limited time only).
AD: Apple says if you don't have an iPhone, you don't have the "appstore", the ability to use your phone as a boarding pass, or pay for your coffee with your phone.
Translation: We as a company ignore the fact that there is any competition. We'll even go so far as to use examples of things that Android and Windows Mobile phones can do instead of actual iOS exclusive apps. We enjoy baiting the fanboy wars, then sitting back and watching the Youtube broadsides go back and forth, while sipping on our wine coolers as we get manicures.
AD: Motorola, in their 1984 themed Superbowl 2011 commercial, showed us that by using the Xoom you'd be separating yourself from the pack of white earbud sporting cult themed joggers out there.
Translation: The best way to rage against the machine is to show a device that looks almost like its main competitor, and show an everyman doing things on it that can also be done on the iPad. Editing movies, using maps on the go, sending emails, all of this somehow makes said everyman to be breaking the mold, playing by his own rules, and in the process woo a moderately attractive cultish jogger, presumably so they can go buy black hoodies, black earbuds, and totally rebel.
Next up, Motorola again, with their Droid line of marketing. Specifically, I'm referring to the commercials where a guy will start to watch a movie on his little 4 inch screen, and nanobots somehow invade his eye socket and start to assimilate him, Borg style. Shortly before his tragic and extremely painful death, he looks like quite a badass, which I suppose is the enticement to buy the phones? If I remember right, Zooey Deschanel and Jeff Bridges had an intimate scene somewhere in there as well.
Translation: well, I kind of wrote my translation into the description above. Honestly, it's been a while since I've seen them, and so I'll just wrap it up by saying that every tech company needs to take a deep breath, re-evaluate what they're trying to say with their ads, then try to fornicate themselves with pine cones.
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